Billy - a little bit of faith

Before you all read this and think I am in need of a psych referral, I can assure you that I am of sound mind and very much "with it". 

I've believed for a long time that there are people who have left this earth (or your life) who look after you and send you signs that they are doing so. I think it's called faith. It doesn't have to be in God, Allah or any other specific thing, it can be an old welly boot if you like, but it's about having the faith that someone or something is looking out for you. 

During this pregnancy, I've had a lot of sleepless nights for a variety of reasons. Partly worry with Chris, partly worry with Brussel, partly Ellie still only being 18 months old with the odd unsettled night and during these periods of insomnia, I made a friend. 

To say I made a friend sounds ridiculous, even as I write it. But I named this new acquaintance Billy. And Billy is a spider. He's not a big spider, just a small one and he lived on the ceiling of our bedroom. Whilst I was awake, with things racing around my mind, I used to watch Billy track around the ceiling and often talk to him, in my head, about the things I needed to get off my chest. He was non but at the same time, something to listen. 

When we moved our bedroom at home a couple of weeks ago, Billy took a couple of days to arrive, but he did. And he was there. He treked around the ceiling, sleeping in the same corner. 

As you all probably know by now, I'm stuck in hospital for the rest of my pregnancy. Until Brussel arrives, I am confined by a B-Number and being attached to a monitor 4 times a day. With this final hospital stay, has come yet more, and quite substantial amount of worry, which I won't go into now. And do you know what....

....Billy is here. Above my bed on Ward 16 at Queens Hospital Burton. And it looks exactly the same as the Billy who treks round at home. 

I know it probably sounds odd to a lot of you, and you are probably sat there laughing out loud at me. But do you know what, I find that little spider exceptionally comforting. Because for me, he isn't just a spider. He's someone or something that is just letting me know that someone in that great somewhere out there gives a shit and is supporting us with what we are going through. So thanks whoever or wherever you are - it really does mean quite a lot! 

Counting the kicks..

It's been a trying couple of weeks in the world of growing Russel the Brussel. Trying in many ways not least of all because of the new found worry and exhaustion that seems to have not so crept up, but arrived with the force of a small army! 

It was all going ok until last Thursday when a routine growth scan showed that our little Brussel (happily growing just underneath the 10th centile) had decided to have a rest and was now below. We saw the consultant who prescribed steroid injections and a couple of extra dopplers just in case. The steroids were administered (erm, bloody hell they sting) and we were sent home following a clear CTG (baby's heart trace).  

At Midnight on Thursday night, I felt my last, what I would describe as normal movements. I woke up in the morning having slept all night. Brussel had not woken me with her normal 3am disco routines. There was a small flicker of a movement, nothing like normal around 6am, and that was it. I was due to go to the hospital anyway so rang ahead and said I would be early. I was taken to a private room (panic button screaming loudly in my head) and was fully checked over by both a midwife and a lovely doctor who I've seen before. They decided that they wanted to keep me in for monitoring to make sure that the baby was ok. And me to a certain extent I think. So we spent the next 2 days hooked up to a monitor every 4 hours. 

What happened over the course of the next few days, still shocks me even now. The monitoring was fine. The Heartrate was good. But I still couldn't (and can't) feel baby move). Instead of being sympathetic, the midwives seemed to be getting annoyed and finding, what I consider, excuses as to why I couldn't feel the movements. (When I say can't feel - I've gone from having a good 30+ movements an hour to around about 15 a day at this point). 

"It's cos your placenta is in the way" one said. Well, it's moved a long way since yesterday when I could feel them fine. 

"It's cos your baby is small and hasn't got much energy" again, they were fine yesterday. 

"You're a bigger lady, you can't expect to feel them the same as someone smaller" again, it was all fine until yesterday. I've not suddenly put 10st on overnight. (Infact, at 35 weeks pregnant I have only put on .2kg in my whole pregnancy - that's a weight loss you fool!!!)

And so the excuses kept on coming. 

I came home and accepted that this was the new pattern. And so began the daily trips to Burton for monitoring. And then Thursday, they stopped again. I felt no movement at all, nothing, zilch, for 6 hours. We went over and again got admitted. And again got excuses. Your baby is just tired. Your baby has no energy. Movements change at this stage anyway. 

That day, I recorded 9 movements all day. Just 9. And then got shouted at for doing a crossword and not concentrating on them properly!!! 

Again, I came home and continued to go back daily with these new reduced reduced movements. 

The Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists (RCOG) currently advise that:

 "...if you are unsure about your baby's movements, you should lie down on your left side and concentrate on these movements for 2 hours…you should experience 10 individual sets of movements within this time" 

I put this to a midwife the other day who advised me that 10 a day was acceptable. 

I also advised I had not felt a movement for 6 hours. Her response "well, it's early yet, baby probably hasn't woken up". 

From the same RCOG guidance:

"...during both day and night, your baby had sleep periods that mostly last between 20 and 40 minutes, and are rarely longer than 90 minutes. Your baby will not move during this time..."

Not 6 hours at a time then?!!! 

Our latest growth scan has shown that Brussel has had a spurt (probably thanks to the steroids they injected me with) and lives to cook a little longer. Although the plan is still to induce me at 37 weeks due to growth and movements. However, our movements average between 6-10 a day. When I tell them this, I again get fobbed off, told some ridiculous crap about why may baby isn't moving or the latest is just speaking to me exceptionally slowly like I am deaf or stupid!! 

We have a consultant appointment on Wednesday to finalise the details of Brussel's arrival but until then, it's more worry and stress. 

As for me, I am simply exhausted. I don't mean pregnancy tired, I mean exhausted. Literally eating a bowl of cereals wipes my energy. I feel constantly dizzy and sick and the itching is horrendous (my skin is stretching don't you know)! However, there isn't long to go and our Brussel is worth it. Just don't be expecting any more baby Flash's………ever!!! 

My point of writing this, apart from the vent, was to draw attention to a charity called Count the Kicks and to highlight to anybody pregnant how important it is to know your baby's own pattern of movements. Not 10 a day, not 10 an hour. Your baby's pattern. 

Count the Kicks can be found on the web and all good social media sites. There aim is simple - to raise awareness of the importance of a babies movements in the womb to help try and prevent the hideousness that is stillbirth. They have a recycling programme to raise funds to get this information out. Check them out and please help if you can. You don't even need to send money. They will be happy with stamps, wipe packets and even milk bottle tops!! 

Happy Birthday Mr F

Tuesday this week saw Mr Flash's birthday. 

Birthdays have always been a day that I try to make really special, even in just a small way. I try to plan lovely little activities, make sure there are lots of little presents to open in the morning, and that we can go to bed at the end of the day thinking 'that was really special'.

However this year, and I don't know if it is to do with everything that is going on, but it seems to have creeped up on me a bit and I wasn't in the least bit organised. So much so, I didn't even go present (or cake ingredient) shopping until Monday! 

Monday was a mad busy day. Buying presents, wrapping presents (whilst our darling little munchkin tried to unwrap them) and making cake. It didn't have the best of starts (it wouldn't bloody rise!!) but I was really happy with the end result! 

Tuesday morning we both woke up early and waited for E to wake up to open presents. It was so lovely sitting in bed as a family doing this together and E loved tearing the paper! 

We popped over to Mum's for coffee and some more present opening and then headed over to our local Harvester for lunch. It was a real shame that what is normally a really nice place to eat was so poor today. You know when you just want things to be special however my two number 1 people seemed to enjoy it! 

We then toddled off to spend Mr F's birthday vouchers on a couple of bits that he wanted before heading home for birthday cake!! 

It wasn't a standard birthday in the Flash Household but we did our best and Mr F enjoyed it which is what matters. 

Are there any birthday traditions in your house? 

A lovely weekend

It is so nice to see the sun. It is amazing how that massive round ball of gas & warmth in the sky can make you feel so much better. 

We also had Chris' Mum and Dad up to visit this weekend. We don't get to see them very often as they live on the South Coast (exactly 211 miles away door to door - a journey C & I used to alternate every other weekend in the early days) and so it is lovely when we get to see them and spend some lovely quality time together (and definitely helped by the sun). 

Friday evening was fairly relaxed as the didn't arrive until just after 4. A couple of drinks in the garden before E went to bed and then some dinner. 

Saturday however was a simply wonderful day. The sun was beating down and it was glorious. We picked them up and had a mooch around Trentham Gardens before heading up 'into the hills' for lunch. 

We visited a little tearooms on The Roaches for lunch and ate al fresco with the most stunning views out over the countryside and Tittesworth. 

The food was pretty damn yummy too

My yummy roast beef sandwich

We headed home for a barbecue after that & E enjoyed some cooling down time in the paddling pool - leaving little trails wherever she went!

Sunday was another cracking day, despite the threat of rain. However, much excitement on E's part had led to not a lot of sleep over the weekend so we needed a real routine day to try and reset her. I went to fetch D&A whilst Chris stayed home and E had a decent 2hr nap. 

After a lovely light lunch we all headed up to the park to enjoy the sunshine and swings. 

"Push faster Grandad Flash"

And then it would have been rude not to head for an ice-cream wouldn't it?! 

It was really sad to take Chris to work this morning and for D&A to be heading home. Next time they visit there will be 2 grandchildren - and probably some more grey hairs on me!! 

A curve in the path

We have had 2 really rough nights with E this weekend. She's been awake for not far off 4 hours a night, dozing for 15 minutes at a time which is not conducive to sleep for Mummy. 

Consequently, your mind starts to work and tick over things that are going on. Last night, my thoughts started wandering back down the path and how much my life, and I have changed in the last 5 years. 

5 years ago I was in an exceptionally unhappy relationship (I can only say that now as I can see how bad it was with hindsight). I was the first one to wade into an argument/debate and wasn't afraid to say what I thought when I thought it. I wasn't afraid to send cold food back in restaurants or complain when I felt hard done by. 

10th April 2010, my life changed forever and in such a good way. I got rid of the bad. I had nearly a year on my own and then, when I wasn't looking at all, I found my soul mate. 

We had a wonderful first year together, married at the end of it, we welcomed our first child and I turned 30. 

And I changed. 

I don't know why. I don't know wether it was because I was a Wife now, wether it was because I was a Mum or because I grew up. 

Now, I'm no longer the first one to join a discussion or argument. I'll sit back and listen quietly, putting my view across if asked or I fancy chipping in. 

I don't send food back unless it is beyond unacceptable. I just eat it and then probably don't return to the establishment.  

I don't see the need to get drunk. I enjoy a drink (when not pregnant) but one or sometimes two is enough. I can't handle the hangover, I don't particularly enjoy the feeling when I've had a few and I just don't see the need. 

I can't be bothered with the petty arguments people have and get into. Get over it. We aren't in the playground anymore. I'm not interested in the he said she said she's picking on me. If you can't say anything nice, just don't say anything at all. 

The most important people in my life are my family and my few close friends. Anyone else I just think if you don't like something I do or say, then lump it. 

I love my life. I love my husband and my daughter (and Brussell) and I love my family. If you don't want to be part of that or you don't want to share what we have then fine. It's your loss. If you don't like something I've said, either tell me in a constructive adult way or don't bother. I cannot be bothered. Again it's your loss. 

Sorry world, this turned into a little bit of a rant and it didn't mean too. I'm just excited about where our path is taking us over the next few months in the future and look forward to sharing it with the few people that really matter.

It has just amazed me how much I've changed in the last 5 years. 

To routine or not to routine...

When I was pregnant with E, I got so many differing opinions about having a routine, when to put it in place, what to do, what not to do that it honestly all got a bit much. 

I always knew that I wanted our baby in a routine, and a routine that suited us, I just didn't have a clue how I was going to do it. So I did what I normally do when unsure, I winged it (with a bit of assistance from my wonderful husband and Mum) and somehow we got a positive outcome. 

E has always had a routine, from the moment she arrived home! 

In those very early days it was as simple as she had her nappy changed before she had a bottle, she slept then she played and repeat. She went to bed when we went to bed and came downstairs when we did in the morning. 

As she grew, the routine grew with her. Subtle changes here and there but something that has always stuck is bedtime. Yes, we may have missed out on some social events, but we needed to have a structured bedtime so that we could have some adult time in the evening. Simply to do things like eat a hot meal, sit quietly and talk about our day, do a few jobs and watch some telly. 

Since E was around about 4 months old, she has always had the same bedtime routine: 

> dinner around 5pm

> upstairs for bath time.

> get dry, have cuddles & jama's on

> story by one of us

> milk by the other one

We have always put her to bed together (and have only missed a handful of nights since she came home) however the last week or so has been getting difficult. She is getting far too excited at story time, constantly looking for the one reading the story, not settling, jumping in her cot - it's been taking not far off an hour or more to settle her. 

So we decided last night that things needed to change. So tonight, we went as follows:

> dinner as per usual

> bath as per usual

> got dried, had cuddles & jama's

> then we said goodnight to Daddy

> I took her into bed, popped her in her cot & she was asleep within 10 minutes having had milk and a special mummy story (good old made up job). 

And so far, so good! She is still sound asleep. There was no tantrum, no tears and no shouting for Yiayia (my Mum - E shouts for her whenever all else fails). 

I'd always recommend a routine for anybody who has a baby. Your baby knows where they are, you know where you are and even on the worst days, you know when there will be some quiet time you so desperately need. 

Yes there will be times you need to say no to things. 

Yes there will be times when your friends think your grumpy cos you're missing out as you've got to get home to put the baby down. 

Yes there will be moments when you would quite happily cave. 

Routine is hard. Getting a decent sleep routine is harder but bloody hell it is worth it and I can safely say, I shall be doing it all over again with Baby Flash v2.0

E's first holiday

Taken me a while to write this post but I wanted to share E's first holiday. 

We had the most wonderful holiday together. We set off on 21st April in convoy (we went with my Mum, Step-Dad and Grandparents) to Talacre in North Wales. E was fab on the journey and slept most of the way which was a result. 

We had a lovely cabin for 8 people (although realistically 6 was pushing it) which was immaculately clean and a really lovely base. The hot tub was lovely too (ssssh, don't tell the midwife!!!)

Monday was spent travelling but on Tuesday we visited Abakhan Material and craft outlet. It is a crafters heaven (good job I'd left the credit card at home). I was so impressed with the staff. They were doing a craft activity for children in the cafe & E was just desperate to join in. The girls were so patient with her and, with a bit of help from Mummy, helped her to make a decopatch dog. The activity was completely free and E really enjoyed it for a good 20 minutes or so! 

Wednesday saw a trip to the seaside at Rhyl. As it is still fairly off season it was rather quite and sadly the weather didn't allow us down into the beach for a sandcastle building session but it was lovely all the same. E spent most of the time taking Grandad for a walk. 

Thursday saw us visit the Welsh Mountain Zoo. It was a good day out for the money however I was surprised at the small size of the enclosures and the behaviours of some of the animals. E loved it. Especially the penguin parade and the chimps. She also surprisingly loved the Turtles and has spent most of the time since we got back saying "turtle". By far her new favourite word! The only problem was, as it says on the tin, it is a mountain zoo and some of the banks were a nightmare with the pushchair! 

Friday was home day. It was sad to come home as we had has such a lovely time. Even down to sitting together in the evenings for a game of scrabble. Something we never have time to do at home. 

The week wasn't without it's trials. E hardly slept at all but somehow kept going, with far more energy than most of the adults! 

We'd definitely go away again & I was so pleased that we had a little family holiday before Brussell joins the party. 

I made E a scrapbook of her holiday, something we always did when we were little and I'd always encourage our children to do. It is a lovely reminder of her holiday with little things to remember it by, tickets to the zoo etc

Here's to the next family holiday!